It’s been 6 months since my life came to a sudden and abrupt halt.
Every day hurts.
A few months ago, a friend told me she thought I deserved a badge (like the ones we used to get in Brownies for learning or doing something specific) for every day that I got out of bed. I was reminded of that when I read this blog post about trophies the other day – it made me laugh.
Every day that we are here, I am reminded of the people here that I love. I am reminded of why I enjoy living here, and I am reminded of how much work there is yet to do here (that we could be doing). There are a lot of things that I missed in the last 6 months (in particular, 2 close friends became mamas, and I missed walking with through these hard and precious early months, but so many more things). Its hard to think that I will miss so much more in the year(s?) to come.
And every day, I struggle to just get through. I’m not convinced that time heals all wounds, but it does help. I can look back at some flashes from the last 6 months, and I can see tangible ways that I am moving towards healing. There are a lot of moments that I am just telling myself, “This is a day I never have to do again. And each day that I get through (without resorting to destructive/hurtful coping methods), is one day closer to something better.”
I was repeating that to myself the other day as we worked on the paperwork for our house. I had overextended myself for several days before that, and was trying to convince myself to not quit, to just get it done. I am so thankful for the practical help and emotional support of our friends that came with us. From an objective perspective, I have to say that it went quite well – fairly smooth and simple. We managed to get everyone necessary in the right place at the same time, and now all that remains is to wait for the official paper to get back to us. This was one of the major practical items we needed to do while in Rwanda. I am cautiously optimistic that we have done what we needed and that it will work out well.
I don’t have an actual trophy or badge to give myself (and if I did, I would just have to figure out if it is worth packing or not), but I am patting myself on the back for the big and small things I have accomplished this week.